The WALKER

OMG, so now I'm using the walker on and off again.  I never planned on using it again.  I even had it stored in the basement thinking I wouldn't need it until I'm in my 70's.  I tried to get some of my vacation time since my pain is out of control but was denied because people are off already.  I don't like this at all.  What should I do??  I can't get off work, but I'm not able to do it without crying.  My common sense says go on medical leave but my moral sense says you need to work to get paid.  What is wrong with me?  I'm killing myself, for what?  I don't leave the house for anything other then work.  I haven't been to the grocery for weeks.  The pain that is going down my thigh is horrible.  I think I just needed to vent.  Hopefully this weekend will make me feel better.

Marriage or War???

So I'm trying to figure out my marriage.  At the moment it's more like a war.  He sits in the basement and pouts until he gets his way.  This time it's the huge fish tank he wants to put in the living room.  I told him years ago I did't want it in my living room but now all of the sudden he wants it up here again.  Maybe because I told him I wanted to start getting rid of stuff because I need room for the walker to go through.  Maybe he is scared but really so am I.  I don't like the idea of needing the walker but I'm trying to face my future head on.  Why add more stuff to get in the way when I need space to get through?  He's also drinking alot.  I love my husband, but I'm getting to the point that I don't need the crap anymore.  He's always been very supportive, I don't understand whats going on.  Maybe it's always been this way.  I'm just less tolerent now that I'm in soooo much pain.  I need a few days away I think.  Depression is getting the best of me.  I can't sleep during the week so during the weekend I'm sleeping 12-14 hours a day.  My house is a disgusting mess and I just want to cry. 

Lost and depressed

I suddenly feel lost in my pain. I thought I had hope. I thought great the hardware block worked, but it only worked for a day so doc says that can't be it. He suggested a branch block so I did that. It had absolutely no effect. I've never had an injection with no effect at all. I've had legs go weak, numbness in the wrong area, but no effect at all? What is that? Not to mention it was ungodly painful getting the injection and everyone that says versed makes you not remember anything are speaking for themselves. I remember every painful jab of the needle. I remember the rude nurse talking about not liking geometrical shapes like my tattoo. I remember the music playing in the background although it seemed much louder when I was in the recovery. I don't know what his plan is now. I avoided the phone call thursday when they wanted my pain log from the shots. I'm so depressed and my back is flared much worse. I had to admit how much pain I was in Friday and leave work. I've never given up and left work. I don't think I can do my job anymore, but I'm so scared that I won't be approved for disability that I keep trying and dying a little every day. I do nothing anymore. I come home and camp in this freaking recliner. My husband has no wife anymore. How can I be a wife if I won't only not sleep with him but sex is a very distant memory? What kind of mother am I when I try to make dinner and cry while they eat because I hurt too much to eat?

Missing Work

I did something Friday night that I hadn't done before.  I went to work while my back pain was really bad.  I worked maybe 2 hours and had to go.  The pain was hitting about an 8 although I'm not good at rating my pain.  It's really hard to be objective and half the time I underestimate it because I don't think anyone will believe it is really that high. 

So anyway for some reason everytime I put my right foot down I'm getting a sharp pain from my spine to my butt.  I know sciatic but this isn't the same sciatic I had before.  Before it went further down my leg and I was able to compensate some with the way I would walk.  Everytime I shift any weight to the right I'm getting this pain. 

My mother is worried sick.  She wants me to be able to be pain free.  I don't think she wants to know that I'm forever going to be in pain.  I'll try to write more later, right now I'm depressed and can't think of what's going to help.

This Sucks

Ok as per my doctors request I went in today for a medial branch block.  I trust my doctor so I was hoping they would help.  Nothing, nada, no effect on my pain at all.  It also hurt like all get out getting these shots.  I'm so beyond depressed.  I can't believe I got my hopes up.  Even as he was talking about it I was concerned it would turn out this way.  Ok so I went in in extreme pain, which by the way I'm not good with the pain scale system so I told them 5 but I never tell them much higher than that, I'm always afraid they won't believe me if I say higher.  I got all checked in and got my I.V. line put in.  Waited for awhile until time.  Finally went in, they cleaned my back and shot some versed in my line.  Didn't really help and for some reason I thought you weren't supposed to remember anything with this med.  Started with the nurse that was shocked to see I had a tattoo and they started talking about not really liking geometric shapes (HELLO I'M IN THE ROOM).  Anyway the doctor starts numbing my back, feels like he is shooting me 100 times.  He then does the shots which are excruciating, good thing I had something to hold onto because I was white knuckling it. 

As soon as they were done they asked me to scale my pain,  I couldn't answer.  I just didn't know where to scale it.  I wasn't pain free but I guess the meds had me relaxed so it wasn't my normal pain.  Since I told them I don't know they put it down as a 0.  The doctor asks how the right side feels but nurses didn't give me time to answer before they wheeled me out.  They take me to recovery where I sit for a few minutes.  They take my blood pressure 3 times and tell me I'm ok to go home and bring me my clothes.  Still sitting putting on my shirt I'm still not doing bad.  I stand up to put my pants on and know immediately the shots did not work.  My pain is there, still relaxed so not as horrible.  So the nurse walks me out to my car and tells me sometimes it takes a little bit for the shots to work.  Guess she could tell the pain wasn't gone.

My husband and I leave with instructions to do things that would normally cause pain.  So I had him take me shopping, my pain levels go up.  We ride around in the car for a little while and the normal burning in my back starts.  I have him just take me home.  I have a little time before my lunch scheduled with the girls, so I try to relax some and just lay in my recliner.

At around 12:30 I get ready to go meet the girls for lunch.  We had lunch at Rafferty's at 1.  So while I'm sitting at the restaurant the local is worn off.  The injection sites start hurting.  My pain is rapidly moving up because sitting in those type chairs makes my pain worse.  My friends are great, they asked and I told them I would rather not talk about it because the results were very depressing.  They always know when I'm hiding pain.  So we didn't stay as long as I would have liked.  I was home by 2:30 and I just gave up.  I took my painkillers, waited for them to work well enough for me to sleep and went to bed. 

So I'm here in my normal pain and don't know what to do.  I don't want to keep doing this, random shots that aren't working, but I need help I can't keep living my life like this.  I don't do anything other than work, and I have to force myself to do that.

Elmer's Crafters' BzzCampaign

As some of you know I'm a BzzAgent.  I'm given some items to try, give my opinion on, and spread the bzz.  So right now I'm in the Elmer's Crafters' BzzCampaign.  They sent me all this great stuff to try.  I gotta tell ya I'm lovin it.  This is an image of all the stuff in my BzzKit.  I'm thinking it will be great, not only for scrapbooking but I'm thinking of making my own Holiday Cards.


I believe I will at least try to create my own Holiday Cards.  If anyone has any idea's for great crafts share them in the comments or email them to me.  We can try them all.  I gotta tell ya I'm not real fond of the corner punch, but maybe I just wasn't using it correctly the first time I tried it.  I plan on trying it again and seeing if it gets any easier.  The scissors are awesome.  I plan on using them regularly for my homemade projects.  Gibson can even use them for his school projects.  So many uses so little time.

Newest Update on Me and my Family

Well I'm about the same as I've been. My back still isn't great and I'm still on painkillers occasionally. I really don't like taking pills so I take them less than once a day. Usually a couple times a week when I'm in pain so bad I cry. My boys are good. Gibson went back to school, seventh grade this year, he's getting so grown up. Jordan is working at McDonald's, not a great job, but at least he's working. He told me today he regrets dropping out of college and is thinking he wants to go back next semester. That made me hugely happy. My husband is the most wonderful man on the Earth. How does anyone put up with a wife that does nothing but whine all day? It sure isn't the "intimacy" because I'm about as frigid as a block of ice. (The pain from it is horrible) I know TMI but hey it's about my life right?

I did get a new dog this week. He is the sweetest thing.

ACE

He is a Yorkie that I adopted from Caring Paws shelter in Evansville, Indiana. He is about 8lbs and already rotten. I can't imagine anyone getting rid of him, but the shelter said the woman that gave him away had flea's in her house and thought getting rid of the dogs would get rid of the fleas. Apparently she had two, wish I could have gotten both, but the other was never made available. Anyway if your in the area you should check out the list of pets from the shelter, because they take in the sick and bring them back to health. They could really use any help anyone can give them, since they are a NO KILL shelter.