Cancelled Appointment

I was supposed to go to my pain management doctor yesterday, but the doctor got sick and cancelled my appointment.  I cried,  I've been at a cross roads for a while now and this is just pushing it too much.   I wanted so much to tell him my problems with the pain.  The seemingly insurmountable difficulty working.  The anguish of the various shots not working.  What to do now?  They rescheduled for nearly a month away.  I waited a month for this appointment, now I've got to wait another month.  Doesn't really seem right for a pain doctor to turn away a patient in pain.  I need help and I just don't know where to turn anymore.  I even asked for an appointment with my surgeon but he doesn't have anything open either.  I'm getting more and more depressed every day.  I'm hoping they call today with better news.  The receptionist was supposed to talk to both of their nurses to see if there was anything they could do to get me in sooner. 

I said work was getting too difficult and I actually admitted that to my management Monday.  I told him I have a superman complex and try to do everything.  While it is a good trait to have at work it is a horrible trait to have as someone in pain.  I tried to explain to him that I've been doing my job, the maintenance job, and my partners job just to keep my area running.  I told him I was going to have to scale back on the amount of things I'm doing and that it would effect how my area runs.  I can fix my machines a whole lot better then the maintenance and quicker but I can't keep doing it.  I feel so bad trying to let it go and letting them do their jobs.  I guess really I never should have tried taking on so much but again superman complex.  I can do everything.  He seemed to understand that I was going to scale back but I still don't feel he understands how much I've been doing to keep my line going.  It was actually a decent conversation.  I told him it would show in the down time and I wasn't doing it to be vindictive but doing it for my health.

Anyway that's where I'm at now.  In a holding pattern until I can get in to see a freakin doctor. 

The WALKER

OMG, so now I'm using the walker on and off again.  I never planned on using it again.  I even had it stored in the basement thinking I wouldn't need it until I'm in my 70's.  I tried to get some of my vacation time since my pain is out of control but was denied because people are off already.  I don't like this at all.  What should I do??  I can't get off work, but I'm not able to do it without crying.  My common sense says go on medical leave but my moral sense says you need to work to get paid.  What is wrong with me?  I'm killing myself, for what?  I don't leave the house for anything other then work.  I haven't been to the grocery for weeks.  The pain that is going down my thigh is horrible.  I think I just needed to vent.  Hopefully this weekend will make me feel better.

Marriage or War???

So I'm trying to figure out my marriage.  At the moment it's more like a war.  He sits in the basement and pouts until he gets his way.  This time it's the huge fish tank he wants to put in the living room.  I told him years ago I did't want it in my living room but now all of the sudden he wants it up here again.  Maybe because I told him I wanted to start getting rid of stuff because I need room for the walker to go through.  Maybe he is scared but really so am I.  I don't like the idea of needing the walker but I'm trying to face my future head on.  Why add more stuff to get in the way when I need space to get through?  He's also drinking alot.  I love my husband, but I'm getting to the point that I don't need the crap anymore.  He's always been very supportive, I don't understand whats going on.  Maybe it's always been this way.  I'm just less tolerent now that I'm in soooo much pain.  I need a few days away I think.  Depression is getting the best of me.  I can't sleep during the week so during the weekend I'm sleeping 12-14 hours a day.  My house is a disgusting mess and I just want to cry.