Feeling Good

So if you had asked me a couple months ago, I would have said I was horrible, but not today.  I've been doing really good.  I still have some residual problems, but I'm very happy I had both of the back surgeries.  My right leg is still weaker then my left, I'm not real sure how to fix that.  I have a dull ache down the back of my right leg that the doctor says will probably be with me for life.  I've been getting more and more active.  I go out dancing now, wasn't able to do that for years.  I've also been making some headway in the sexdrive department, still no where near normal, but closer.  My husband is much happier now.  The pain still comes some days, but usually I don't take anything but ibuprofen for it.  I think I've taken 1 painkiller in the last 4 weeks.  That's alot better then 2-4 a day. 

I realize I will probably have residual effects from the fusion for the rest of my life.  It was worth it.  The doctor said the disc above and below are at risk because they are taking more impact now.  It's possible that I will have problems at those levels in the future, but for now I'm thrilled that I can almost live again.

Work and Stuff

So I've been back to work for 2 weeks.  I'm definitely better then I was before surgery.  My right leg hasn't locked up at all.  I've had some pain, but it isn't near what it was.  I'm thrilled.  I don't know if I'll forever be OK or if the pain will build, but for now I'm enjoying what I have.

Thursday at work they offered me day shift.  I start this week, I'm a little worried as I can barely remember most of the people I used to work with.  It's been 8 years since I've seen them, and I'm definitely going to miss the friends I've had on night shift.  I'm also moving to a different area, so I have to learn a different job.  I'm nervous, I haven't been nervous for a long time.  I'm usually confident that I can do the job better then anyone else.  Day shift is a different world, team leaders don't repair things, they call maintenance and stand and wait for it to be fixed.  I also will be working for a couple of group leaders that don't really like me.  Oh well, guess they will have to get over it, and let me do my job.  Wonder how much trouble I'm going to get into for learning how to fix stuff.

On to bigger and brighter things, my parents are moving out of state.  They are retiring to Florida, I know it's cliche but it will make them happy, and I'm all about that.  They've been basically homeless since the spring floods.  The flood took the home they've lived in for years, and for years before that my grandparents lived in it.  They had never had water get into their home, but this year it got in.  It was 3 foot up for 2 weeks.  Very unexpected, the river went a lot higher then was forecast.  They were already staying in town and the forecast kept changing.  They realized that their home was going to be totalled before they went home.  If they had known how high it was going to go before they left they might have been able to move some stuff out.  They weren't  able to save a lot of stuff, they will need to buy all new furniture.  I'm hoping I can go visit before the end of the year.

Back To Work

So I went back to work Thursday, June 16th.  Not sure about this.  I was in pain by the end of the night, I've been trying to control it with ibuprofen.  They've actually been really nice this time, kinda weird but true.  They aren't making me do the work conditioning this time.  Conditioning is exercise for 2 hours then going to work for the rest of the day.  I'm not talking normal exercise, they push you like you've been doing them since the dawn of time.  They expect everyone to be like them, doing it everyday 8 hrs a day.  Doesn't matter, glad I'm not doing it. 

So I'm not sure if I can say the surgery helped.  I'm still very hopeful that the pain is just from not working for 3 weeks.  I can definately move my right leg more now then I could.  My knee reflexes are absent it both legs, not sure why because I have no weakness in my legs. 

3 Week Update

Well it's been a little bit since I updated.  That's because I'm feeling better.  I went to the doctor last Thursday and I'll be going back to work this Thursday.  I'm really nervous.   The doctor did x-rays and they look really good.  Without all the hardware you can see the fusion much better.  It looks strong.  So he said I could go back to work whenever I wanted and I choose this Thursday.  My job is very physically demanding and I didn't want to go back any sooner because I still have scabbing over the incision.  I've had an incision open back up once before and didn't want to have that happen again.  Anyway we discussed the what if my employer tries to push me physically like they did after the fusion.  I told him I wasn't going to be stubborn about it this time.  If they make me cry, I'm going home.  He said to call and he would put me back on medical leave.  Don't think he really likes my employer.  I think I blogged a little about it last time.  When I went back to work after my fusion, I feel, they intentionally put me on a job that was constantly bending over.  I cried in pain every day.  I won't do it this time.  I don't really think it's going to be a problem, because I do feel so much better.  My biggest hangup is I don't want to be disabled.  I don't think I can be retrained to do anything easier.  I've worked many years in a factory setting and I'm not qualified to do anything else.   I don't have a college education, I regret that now.  If I had went to college I could possibly find something I could do.  It wouldn't be easy because I have trouble sitting for very long as well as the things I've been doing.  It would need to be something that balances moving and sitting.

Anyway my family are good.  At least my husband and children.  My parents not so much.  Their home was flooded for 3 weeks.  They had at least 3 feet of water in their mobile home for 2 weeks.  It's a total loss.  They have been living in a tent on their property for 3 1/2 weeks.  I don't like it at all, I understand it but I don't like it.  They are going through their home and garage trying to salvage anything they can.  It's horrible, the water knocked things off shelves.  If it wasn't extremely heavy or bolted down it got shifted around.  They have found a few things they can save.  I really wish their realtor would call them.  They put in an offer on a house in Florida.  So far the government hasn't declared it a national disaster, but I'm hoping within the next week FEMA will come in.

Day 7

Well I'm doing better I think.  The ice packs really helped bring the swelling down, well that and the ibuprofen the doctor let me take.  I'm taking very few painkillers now too.  I really don't like taking them because of my family's addictive personalities.  I've yet to have problems with it, but I could just as easy as others in my family have.  Yesterday I went to my niece's graduation party.  We didn't stay long but it was nice being out with my family.  I kind of shocked my family by showing up, but she's only going to graduate high school once and I wanted to at least show up.  I was sick after I left there, didn't take any painkillers all day due to wanting to go.  Didn't want to fall asleep and not make it there.  So when I got home I took some painkillers and grabbed the ice packs.  Oh WOW I left off stopping at my husband's niece's house.  She graduated too, unfortunately she didn't have a party but I needed to drop off her present.  She is beyond sweet and thrilled to get anything for graduation.  Anyway so after the pain subsided some I felt much better.  I discovered I get nauseated when my pain goes high. 

Anyway so far so good.  I'm hoping for the best with this surgery.  I already seem to have less grinding in my back.  There isn't a whole lot of information on recovery or anything like that out there to help you know if your doing good or not.  Hopefully someone searching hardware removal will find this and find some comfort.

On to today's events.  Today I went to Menard's with my hubby and the grocery.  He convinced me to use the electric cart in Menard's.  It felt horrible, the people there just kept staring.  You can't see I've had back surgery and I'm only 41 so nothing is visibly wrong with me.  I just wanted to leave.  After that we went to the grocery.  I refused to use the electric cart there because of the looks at Menard's.  I hope I don't look at people like that, I'm sure I do.  Everyone is guilty of it, passing judgement without the knowledge needed to pass judgement.  Anyway by the time I left the grocery (getting stuff to replace the stuff from the broken fridge) I was in a lot of pain.  I rested and took ibuprofen because I still wanted to do things today with the family.  After awhile the pain got a little better.  Called my husband to get the grill going.  He grilled burgers and hot dogs.  I made some fries and cheese sticks.  It was a good afternoon.  Now that everything has settled down I've taken my painkillers and I'm just relaxing trying to unwind.

Day 4

Today is Day 4 after my hardware removal.  I'm still not even close to good.  My incision is beyond swollen.  I've been using ice and ibuprophen to try to bring the swelling down some.  It seems to help for a little while but not long enough.  I called the doctors office today to make sure it was ok to take NSAIDS.  My day just generally sucked.  I got up in bad pain.  My refrigerator went out during the night.  Lots of bad food, couldn't even save any of it.  It was blowing hot air instead of cold air.  So my day started bad.  I had to get myself moving and leave the house.  I needed ice packs, so I rounded up all my courage and went down to CVS.  Biggest mistake I've made.  I was nausiated and sweating the whole time.  Got my stuff and got out quick.  I got to take my bandage off today.  It is nasty.  I'll post the picture but if you've got a weak stomach don't look.  Stop Now.

I cut the picture down but you get the idea of the amount of bruising and my skin is swelled painfully tight.  As it heals I may add more pictures or I may just let it go.  It used to be a pretty tattoo. 

Day 3

Well I still have a lot of pain.  I don't seem to be bouncing back as quickly as I'd like.  I don't know what I expected since it is back surgery.  I may call the doctor today and see about getting something for the muscle spasms.  Can't hurt right?  Anyway I am setting my alarm now for every 4 hours so I remember to take my pain meds before I let it get back out of control.  I'm not gonna second guess the surgery yet.  I can't tell a lot yet because my muscles are screaming but I don't have the catch and grind on the right side that I can tell.  I'll know more when I can walk better.  I've tried using the walker and it doesn't appear to be helping but I'm forcing myself to get up and move as much as I can. 

We had a storm come through last night.  Let me tell you it was no fun getting to the basement.  Once I was there it wasn't bad.  We have a furnished basement with recliners and entertainment center.  It isn't a finished basement, but I've decided we need to put a bathroom down there.  Maybe when I get better we can do that.  It can be the next subject for my blog, when pain isn't the focus anymore (positive thinking)  So guess we need to check into how to plumb it because it is below the current plumbing.  I can't have the kind of bathroom I want upstairs but maybe downstairs I can put in the jacuzzi tub and walk in shower.  It could be fun planning it.

Had My Hardware Taken Out

Day 1: May 24, 2011 - 6:16pm         

Ok I've had a short nap and the room stopped spinning. I went in at 8am today to have my hardware taken out. It seemed to go pretty well and I feel ok other then some surgical pain. He must have had a hard time on the left side because it hurts more then the right. In recovery they had a hard time getting my pain under control. Seems when they were taking me off OR table into recovery the IV needle backed out slightly. Just enough for the fluids they were pushing to not go in the vien. It's called IV Infiltration. My left arm and hand are painfully swollen from all of the extra fluid. Anyway diloted (sp?) doesn't work if it's going into tissue instead of veins. The nurse maxed out my dosage before she figured out the problem. She gave me my Lortab, turned off that IV, called IV therapy and the anesthesiologist (sp?). Within 5 minutes I had an iv in the other hand and the doctor approved another round of diloted. I felt much better quickly. Anyway my surgeon came in before my pain was under control and was talking about admitting me for pain control. As jacked up as I was I begged him to go home. After that he agreed if we could get my pain down he would let me go. I didn't get to keep my hardware. I really wanted it, but something about sending it off for analysis.
I've been trying a heating pad and holding my arm above my head some to bring down the swelling in my arm but so far it hasn't helped. Any suggestions let me know. 

Day 2:  May 25, 2011 - 2:13pm

OMG, I overslept. Guess I was sleeping off the anesthesia but now I can't get my pain in control. I'm sitting in my recliner wondering what I should do. I've taken my second dose of painkillers at the maximum dosage. Hope this one brings it down to tolerable. The hospital called, they offered for me to come in to get shots, but getting there would be horrible. On a more positive note the swelling has gone down a lot from the IV Infiltration. I've still got some pain from the original IV but it isn't real bad. If the pain isn't in control by 4 I'll call my doctor and see what he suggests. Kind of suprised he hasn't called me. Last time he called the day after I came home.
Anyone got any suggestions for food. I've not been hungry since I got out of surgery and know I need to eat something. Also have some scratches in my throat, think they used a new guy to intubate. It doesn't bother me they need to learn too. And to answer the question, no the nurse who did my IV wasn't learning, in fact that was all she does.

Been a couple months, so updating my situation

I haven't posted in a while, mainly because I've been depressed and discouraged.  After my last set of shots didn't work I made an appointment with my PM doctor.  They didn't have any openings for a month.  My appointment finally came around and they called and cancelled, he was sick.  Fine, the only problem was they couldn't get me in for another month.  They left this on my voice mail.  I'm in a lot of pain so that day I called the surgeon back.  They managed to get me in sooner.  He sent me for an MRI and CT Scan.  The MRI was painful, laying flat on my back for an hour isn't fun.  Anyway I went today for the results.  They both look really good, that's good and bad.  The fusion is solid and healthy.  The only thing he could see on the MRI is the right top screw encroaching on the facet joint.  It isn't in the joint just looks really close.  His recommendation is, drum roll please....... another round of injections.  I agreed to this set because he wants a repeat of the first hardware injection just to be sure it works.  If it works we are taking the hardware out.  He knows how traumatic the last set of shots was and offered to remove the hardware without the repeat injections.  He seemed genuinely concerned about my well being, mentally, having another set of shots.  I told him I would do anything he deemed appropriate to stop the pain, even if he wanted to send me to a witch doctor, acupuncture, therapy, psych doc, massage therapy, I don't even care anymore.  I told him I'm barely hanging onto my job, that I've started calling in sick, and taking vacations because of the pain.  He tried to gently tell me if this doesn't work I would probably have to start the disability process.  Not thrilled with that.  I like working, it just isn't good right now.  I can't do anything outside of work, no shopping, no cooking, just laying in a recliner on a heating pad, or resting in the bed.  I'm actually taking my full prescription now too.  Not happy about that either, but can't do much without it.  By the way, during all of this the PM doctors office called and cancelled my appointment again, can't remember when I'm supposed to go now. 

On a side note, I did manage to take a holiday with my mother.  During one of my worst episodes, when I took a week off work, we packed up and she drove us down to Florida.  The car ride was hell, but worth it.  We stopped every couple hours so I could walk around and take my painkillers.  We went to Panama City Beach.  She was looking for a house, and she found one.  We got there on a Monday around 11pm and checked into the hotel room.  Then moved hotel rooms because of a dirty towel in the bathroom (looked like blood and footprints).  Anyway by Friday she had found a home she wants to buy.  I'm so happy for my parents and hope they get the house.  The put in an offer, but since it's a short sale they are waiting on the banks approval.  So Friday afternoon and Saturday was just laying around and going to the bar on the beach to watch other people sing karaoke.  There were these really cute little kids doing the Bieber song, Baby.  They did it perfect.  I'm hoping to be able to go back in July with my family.  It wasn't the best week I've ever had in Florida.  It rained the first few days and was chilly, but after she found her house the skys cleared and it warmed up. 

Cancelled Appointment

I was supposed to go to my pain management doctor yesterday, but the doctor got sick and cancelled my appointment.  I cried,  I've been at a cross roads for a while now and this is just pushing it too much.   I wanted so much to tell him my problems with the pain.  The seemingly insurmountable difficulty working.  The anguish of the various shots not working.  What to do now?  They rescheduled for nearly a month away.  I waited a month for this appointment, now I've got to wait another month.  Doesn't really seem right for a pain doctor to turn away a patient in pain.  I need help and I just don't know where to turn anymore.  I even asked for an appointment with my surgeon but he doesn't have anything open either.  I'm getting more and more depressed every day.  I'm hoping they call today with better news.  The receptionist was supposed to talk to both of their nurses to see if there was anything they could do to get me in sooner. 

I said work was getting too difficult and I actually admitted that to my management Monday.  I told him I have a superman complex and try to do everything.  While it is a good trait to have at work it is a horrible trait to have as someone in pain.  I tried to explain to him that I've been doing my job, the maintenance job, and my partners job just to keep my area running.  I told him I was going to have to scale back on the amount of things I'm doing and that it would effect how my area runs.  I can fix my machines a whole lot better then the maintenance and quicker but I can't keep doing it.  I feel so bad trying to let it go and letting them do their jobs.  I guess really I never should have tried taking on so much but again superman complex.  I can do everything.  He seemed to understand that I was going to scale back but I still don't feel he understands how much I've been doing to keep my line going.  It was actually a decent conversation.  I told him it would show in the down time and I wasn't doing it to be vindictive but doing it for my health.

Anyway that's where I'm at now.  In a holding pattern until I can get in to see a freakin doctor. 

The WALKER

OMG, so now I'm using the walker on and off again.  I never planned on using it again.  I even had it stored in the basement thinking I wouldn't need it until I'm in my 70's.  I tried to get some of my vacation time since my pain is out of control but was denied because people are off already.  I don't like this at all.  What should I do??  I can't get off work, but I'm not able to do it without crying.  My common sense says go on medical leave but my moral sense says you need to work to get paid.  What is wrong with me?  I'm killing myself, for what?  I don't leave the house for anything other then work.  I haven't been to the grocery for weeks.  The pain that is going down my thigh is horrible.  I think I just needed to vent.  Hopefully this weekend will make me feel better.

Marriage or War???

So I'm trying to figure out my marriage.  At the moment it's more like a war.  He sits in the basement and pouts until he gets his way.  This time it's the huge fish tank he wants to put in the living room.  I told him years ago I did't want it in my living room but now all of the sudden he wants it up here again.  Maybe because I told him I wanted to start getting rid of stuff because I need room for the walker to go through.  Maybe he is scared but really so am I.  I don't like the idea of needing the walker but I'm trying to face my future head on.  Why add more stuff to get in the way when I need space to get through?  He's also drinking alot.  I love my husband, but I'm getting to the point that I don't need the crap anymore.  He's always been very supportive, I don't understand whats going on.  Maybe it's always been this way.  I'm just less tolerent now that I'm in soooo much pain.  I need a few days away I think.  Depression is getting the best of me.  I can't sleep during the week so during the weekend I'm sleeping 12-14 hours a day.  My house is a disgusting mess and I just want to cry. 

Lost and depressed

I suddenly feel lost in my pain. I thought I had hope. I thought great the hardware block worked, but it only worked for a day so doc says that can't be it. He suggested a branch block so I did that. It had absolutely no effect. I've never had an injection with no effect at all. I've had legs go weak, numbness in the wrong area, but no effect at all? What is that? Not to mention it was ungodly painful getting the injection and everyone that says versed makes you not remember anything are speaking for themselves. I remember every painful jab of the needle. I remember the rude nurse talking about not liking geometrical shapes like my tattoo. I remember the music playing in the background although it seemed much louder when I was in the recovery. I don't know what his plan is now. I avoided the phone call thursday when they wanted my pain log from the shots. I'm so depressed and my back is flared much worse. I had to admit how much pain I was in Friday and leave work. I've never given up and left work. I don't think I can do my job anymore, but I'm so scared that I won't be approved for disability that I keep trying and dying a little every day. I do nothing anymore. I come home and camp in this freaking recliner. My husband has no wife anymore. How can I be a wife if I won't only not sleep with him but sex is a very distant memory? What kind of mother am I when I try to make dinner and cry while they eat because I hurt too much to eat?

Missing Work

I did something Friday night that I hadn't done before.  I went to work while my back pain was really bad.  I worked maybe 2 hours and had to go.  The pain was hitting about an 8 although I'm not good at rating my pain.  It's really hard to be objective and half the time I underestimate it because I don't think anyone will believe it is really that high. 

So anyway for some reason everytime I put my right foot down I'm getting a sharp pain from my spine to my butt.  I know sciatic but this isn't the same sciatic I had before.  Before it went further down my leg and I was able to compensate some with the way I would walk.  Everytime I shift any weight to the right I'm getting this pain. 

My mother is worried sick.  She wants me to be able to be pain free.  I don't think she wants to know that I'm forever going to be in pain.  I'll try to write more later, right now I'm depressed and can't think of what's going to help.

This Sucks

Ok as per my doctors request I went in today for a medial branch block.  I trust my doctor so I was hoping they would help.  Nothing, nada, no effect on my pain at all.  It also hurt like all get out getting these shots.  I'm so beyond depressed.  I can't believe I got my hopes up.  Even as he was talking about it I was concerned it would turn out this way.  Ok so I went in in extreme pain, which by the way I'm not good with the pain scale system so I told them 5 but I never tell them much higher than that, I'm always afraid they won't believe me if I say higher.  I got all checked in and got my I.V. line put in.  Waited for awhile until time.  Finally went in, they cleaned my back and shot some versed in my line.  Didn't really help and for some reason I thought you weren't supposed to remember anything with this med.  Started with the nurse that was shocked to see I had a tattoo and they started talking about not really liking geometric shapes (HELLO I'M IN THE ROOM).  Anyway the doctor starts numbing my back, feels like he is shooting me 100 times.  He then does the shots which are excruciating, good thing I had something to hold onto because I was white knuckling it. 

As soon as they were done they asked me to scale my pain,  I couldn't answer.  I just didn't know where to scale it.  I wasn't pain free but I guess the meds had me relaxed so it wasn't my normal pain.  Since I told them I don't know they put it down as a 0.  The doctor asks how the right side feels but nurses didn't give me time to answer before they wheeled me out.  They take me to recovery where I sit for a few minutes.  They take my blood pressure 3 times and tell me I'm ok to go home and bring me my clothes.  Still sitting putting on my shirt I'm still not doing bad.  I stand up to put my pants on and know immediately the shots did not work.  My pain is there, still relaxed so not as horrible.  So the nurse walks me out to my car and tells me sometimes it takes a little bit for the shots to work.  Guess she could tell the pain wasn't gone.

My husband and I leave with instructions to do things that would normally cause pain.  So I had him take me shopping, my pain levels go up.  We ride around in the car for a little while and the normal burning in my back starts.  I have him just take me home.  I have a little time before my lunch scheduled with the girls, so I try to relax some and just lay in my recliner.

At around 12:30 I get ready to go meet the girls for lunch.  We had lunch at Rafferty's at 1.  So while I'm sitting at the restaurant the local is worn off.  The injection sites start hurting.  My pain is rapidly moving up because sitting in those type chairs makes my pain worse.  My friends are great, they asked and I told them I would rather not talk about it because the results were very depressing.  They always know when I'm hiding pain.  So we didn't stay as long as I would have liked.  I was home by 2:30 and I just gave up.  I took my painkillers, waited for them to work well enough for me to sleep and went to bed. 

So I'm here in my normal pain and don't know what to do.  I don't want to keep doing this, random shots that aren't working, but I need help I can't keep living my life like this.  I don't do anything other than work, and I have to force myself to do that.